Thoughts on being a messy/Messie teacher:

I wasn't always messy. I put away my books and my toys. Every morning my nest of stuffed animals went back to their home that was my closet. I could even be talked into making my bed, and I was out of it before the sun rose. What happened? Life happened, and my cleanliness didn't last beyond age seven, or so. I am one part perfectionist, one part idealist, and one part lazy bum. In other words, I try to do too much (i.e. everything) perfectly or not at all...and when I get discouraged, instead of working harder, I procrastinate through leisure. Again, this was not always so. I was once a ball of productive energy. I didn't need to eat, sleep, or study...or so I thought. I practiced, and I performed well...and beyond all else, it was FUN. That ended after my first year of college.

Faced with the task of grading hundreds of papers well below my own educational level, calling parents, and attending meetings that have little to do with learning and more to do with paperwork, it's easy to start sounding bitter...which is why I allowed myself a taste in the beginning of this paragraph. I feel like an academic stuck in a teacher's body. ...and even though I want to improve, like any unruly student, I also want to rebel. This is not FUN, this is WORK. Gosh, what a concept.

One thing that I have learned from teaching is this: the thing that we are most likely to resist is probably that which we desperately want to learn. My failed attempts at becoming the perfectly clean, perfectly organized teacher are not failures at all, but learning opportunities. What do I do well? What is challenging for me? How can I fix it? What steps can I take to be the person I want to be? Whether I organize at home or at school, having a clean, serene life is something I hope for, and something with which I have always struggled. When I was young, my busy schedule and my accomplishments prevented any self-directed ill feelings, because I had valid reasons for my disorganization. Rehearsal and performance and practice time trumped all else. Now, my goals have changed, but my habits have not.

Last year was a rough year for me, for personal reasons, but I have noticed a slight improvement in my perspective and my work habits. How good is good enough? How good is good enough to keep my job? How good is good enough to get another one? These questions still follow me in the aftermath of last year, and I am at pains to impress and at once overdo my patient progress. It is difficult to regain someone's faith once you have lost it. More than that, it is difficult to expect from my students what I have trouble achieving for myself. If anything, I hope that it makes me sympathetic.