First Day Blues

...and pinks, and purples, and sunset orange-and-yellows....

Today was my first day back at school; the whole world turned upside-down. I had a new haircut and color, a new classroom set-up, new students, and a new schedule. This is the year of change, apparently. I really like the method and the madness behind my decorations, this year. Although I will teach vocal and general music as usual, I will also be exploring the concept of heroism with my students. What makes us crave superhero movies and Olympic wins? What makes us sympathize with the villians? What makes heroes--and artists--human? In addition to my regular curriculum, I am also part of something new and exciting, this year: arts integration. Not that I didn't integrate the arts in my own classes before, but this semester, I am team teaching four classes with the visual arts teacher. Admittedly, it is a bit daunting. I just received my official schedule on Thursday, a mere four days before classes began. Needless to say, it didn't exactly give me ample time to prepare. I felt like I was scrambling to get everything done before this morning. That said, it was still more relaxed than it was, last year. (Until this morning, that is. Both available copiers misfed, after waiting twenty minutes for one, and printing only twenty two copies on the other. Argh.) Between the odd hours from my summer job and my lack of necessary information, I was left feeling less prepared for the start of the year than I would have preferred.

In all likelihood--and with any luck--this will be my last year teaching in Baltimore City. This realization brings with it mixed emotions. On one hand, I am feeling a bit more adventurous about the entire year. I'm more willing to try new things and take a leap into unknown territory. I'm more interested in my role as teacher and more motivated to live up to it. On the other side of that coin, though, is fear. I worry about making this year one of the best. I worry about the success of my students, both in music and in life. I felt awkward today, in comparison to my co-teacher...less in command of my words. I stumbled. I made a huge blunder that I regret, in retrospect. All of this will pass. Beyond this, I have hope for the future. Grad. school, reconnecting with the people who mean the most to me, and reconnecting with the process of making art of my life.

I have a lot of inner work to do. I'm currently reading a lot of books on creativity and the arts, music cognition, fear, teaching.... I think that's why I didn't blog as often as I had intended, last year. Perfectionism, the dreaded beast and my longtime foe, got in the way. I wanted this place to be clinical, analytical, and completely impersonal. I just wanted to brainstorm and discuss current articles, news, etc. I craved anonimity. I've since realized, though, that being a teacher implies a very real need to connect with one's own humanity, as well as the community in which we work. I didn't want to allow my failed lessons and faulty reasoning to creep into my entries. I wanted to admit that I was learning, but I didn't want to admit what I didn't already know. I have to throw all of that out the window, now. If art is process, then so too is life. I have to get used to this action and reflection, so I can continue to grow as a person and as a teacher.

Wish me luck.